Ebola Rex (2021)

Zombie movies. If you've seen one, you've pretty much seen them all. Here's the MO of pretty much every zombie film; the dead come back to life, a group of survivors usually hole up somewhere safe until it becomes not safe, rinse and repeat, and they try to stay alive. Yeah there are exceptions; 28 Days Later e.t.c but generally, roughly speaking that's how pretty much all of them go right? But what if, and work with me here, what if it wasn't zombie humans. And everybody loves dinosaurs right? Jurassic Park is huge. So what if it was zombie dinosaurs...? Yeah... no gonna be honest with you I was bought pretty much straight away by the tagline on this one: "Chaos strikes in Los Angeles when a diseased Tyrannosaurus rex escapes from a laboratory." Movies of this calibre generally don't escape attention from me and from the blog and I couldn't, in good conscience, pass over this one and continue perusing. It's going on the blog mate.

After a brief introduction to the movie by Malvolia: Queen of Screams (Jennifer Nangle) which... I found a bit confusing to be honest... is she supposed to be Elvira?... This movie immediately cuts straight to the point when a massive T-Rex gets ejected onto the street from an explosion. After some general warfare, we learn from a news station broadcast that the Tyrannosaur, a rejuvenated specimen from a lab in Los Angeles, was liberated by some protestors who injected it with Ebola because of reasons.. and that it's proceeding to rampage throughout the city killing lots and lots of people. And then we have an interview with a man who had his face ripped off. It becomes immediately obvious that this movie isn't taking itself very seriously... and they are usually the worst kind of movies... Deciding that he's not going to stand for this, a man with a very mid 2000's looking goatee beard and a ponytail finishes his horrible looking fried eggs and suits up in a combat vest before heading out and a very heavily tattooed, and potentially very stoned, conspiracy theorist guy called Mike (Mike Ferguson) cries in his basement...? Then we cut to a man taking photos around an admittedly very cool looking dinosaur themed zoo, literally for about 3 and half minutes, set to some cool music, before he get's eaten? Whilst an aged looking guy in a beret on the phone tells the person on the other end of the line that they will "handle it." I... I have no idea what the fuck is going on to be honest with you. Beardy ponytail guy is revealed to be called DICK STEEL!!! DICK STEEL!! (Ken May) and he is revealed to be a Bounty Hunter. He runs around with a gun and his cowboy hat on and talks to his phone for a bit... then some bald guy with glasses, he's later revealed to be called Erik (Erik Anthony Russo) but only about 15 minutes from the end after being in most of the movie the whole time... Erik who was introduced earlier being a shit carpet salesman comes home, presumably to see Mike who must be his roommate or something only to get knocked out by a guy in a hazmat suit. He wakes up and hazmat guy demands that he washes "his fuckin' ass." so he promptly gets undressed and does and the whole scene is lit up with just red lighting for some... reason... As this movie quickly shapes up to be one of the worst things I've ever watched, we then cut back to Malvolia for an intermission and some T-Rex trivia before this clusterfuck of a 'movie' continues and Erik is now fully dressed and hazmat dude reveals himself to Mike, who proceeds to swear at his roommate and call him a fucking asshole alot and mostly just bully and humiliate him... and they are friends for SOME... REASON... This scene goes on for 10 minutes and I have no idea why. More Dick Steel live streaming, then more Mike belittling Erik... Dick Steel runs around some more and some more live streaming. More painfully bad Mike and Erik shit. Man fuck this movie, I'm done. I skipped through most of this but it ends with Mike shooting him in the head and then crying over it. Hopefully that's the last of that bollocks because now we are back with Dick Steel and he is being chased by the Rex and it ends with the dinosaur chomping him to bits. The movie ends when Mike, inconsolable, wanders outside and gets stung to death by giant murder hornets. Yeah I skipped through most of that was well.

CONGRATUATIONS. CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS to this absolute pile of fucking Tyrannoturds for being the worst movie I have ever watched. I thought about it for a bit, actually, like was this really worse than Reds & Blues? A movie so terrible that in previous posts I won't even refer to it by name... And I mean, wow, are you sure because like that was really bad and err... yeah. Yeah I think it was. I actually clocked out at about 50 minutes in and there was some 20 odd minutes left by that point. I don't know how I made it to 50 to be honest. This was just absolute total bollocks from the opening scene to the rolling of the credits. Just some of the most horrendous shit I've ever willingly subjected myself to.

I think I have to start with the Mike and Erik stuff. I have to vent. I have to purge it from my system. What the fuck was this supposed to bring to the movie? What did you accomplish? It wasn't funny? It wasn't scary? It was painful to watch. Just 30 odd minutes run time in total of a old beardy tattooed guy bullying, belittling, abusing and then eventually murdering a weedy bald guy in glasses. A weedy, bald guy played by somebody who produced half the fucking movie from what I can tell! I don't know what I was supposed to take from it? In the end I got that fed up with it I just skipped through those segments. Like I couldn't take any more. It just made me angry. It was just awful. Just moment after moment of Mike swearing and bullying Erik whilst Erik wept and was generally humiliated. It was just empty. A meaningless void of nothingness that bloated up the movies run time and accomplished nothing, produced nothing. Absolutely terrible, terrible cinema.

On the subject of bloating up the running time, so 20 odd minutes of the rest of this abomination was the Dick Steel stuff which, whilst I was initially tickled by the intentionally stupid name, eventually became equally as grating and frustrating. Just scene after scene of him gurning and talking into his phone like an IG live stream. Talking about tasting piss and tasting shit. It was the second worst part of this thing and only because it at least went some way in moving the story along! Great goatee as well pal. Real mid-2000's nu-metal.

If this movie had one one redeeming feature is that there was some some cool music. Like Retrowave synth 80's kind of stuff that soundtracked the second "half" of it, including one whole part that was nearly 3 odd minutes of just a complete song. The highlight of the movie really. That was when it peaked. I like Retrowave because I am child of the home computer and 8 bit console era so maybe I'm a bit biased but there was some decent tuneage that unfortunately was absolutely wasted on this total bollocks movie.

I mean, what do you want me to say? This was 1 hour 15 odd minutes of just scenes. The T-Rex looked mostly ok in the brief interludes that it featured but it was so obviously low budget and so obviously digitally spliced into scenes that it made no difference. Looked better than the fucking Beaster Bunny but only just barely. There was no plot. There that's covered that aspect. Soundtrack we touched on earlier. Cinematography... yeah it was mostly ok. For some reason the Mike and Erik stuff was filmed so fucking close to their faces that you couldn't see their chins and foreheads but that was by far and away not even the worst part of any of those scenes... and for some reason there was some odd depth of field and soft focus choices going on. I'll be honest with you I think they were mostly unintentional and just poor camera work. That's enough effort wasted on this one to be honest.

This blog is quickly becoming something of a regular for shit dinosaur movies. It's a sub-feature of a sub-feature but I would rather listen to Chrissie Wunna's nasally warbling for 1 hour 15 minutes than be made to watch this again. I have covered awful dinosaur movies, but this wasn't just the worst dinosaur movie I've covered yet. It was pound for pound the worst movie I have covered yet. And that distinction does not come easily. I am some 135 movies deep at the moment and I have covered Creeping Terror, Manos, Hercules of New York, and just some of the worst garbage ever committed to a feature length production. But categorically this is the absolute worst movie I've seen yet. Move over Dixie & Kenny, a new challenger has appeared! Zero Stars. The zeroest of zeroest zeros.