The Apple (1980)

The 80's. There was alot of shit in the 80's. Bon Jovi, Shoulder Pads, Margaret Thatcher. Just a decade synonymous with some of the worst bollocks humanity has had to tolerate. And it wasn't any better in the cinematic world either with a whopping TWENTY FIVE movies from the 80's - the most of any decade yet - pencilled in on my Worst Movies list to cover. Whether we get through all 25 is a different matter, but some foreshadowing for you; it's going to be a long 2 years. So yes. I am leaving the 70's behind this week to move on to more recent times (although there are a couple of movies we may go back to that I haven't looked at yet) and starting off this week with one of the worst creations to come out of the 80's: GLAM ROCK. Just the sheer mention of it makes blood run cold in the steeliest of men. And 1980's Science Fiction Musical Comedy... we've... we've been here before... The Apple makes use of the dreaded sub-genre as the main musical focal point for it's narrative tale. This movie was decimated by critics and is universally considered amongst the pantheons as one of the worst movies ever made. At this stage in the project, I don't know how it can be any worse than some of the abject bollocks that I have watched before now but maybe it will be a fresh, unpleasant surprise. Like discovering a boil on your bollocks.

It is the futuristic, eclectic year of... 1994... where everyone wears shiny silver outfits with lots of spiky detail and grunge never happened, and after rigging a "worldwide" music contest so that Alphie (George Gilmour) and Bibi (Catherine Mary Stewart / Mary Hylan (singing)) didn't win, Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal) and his band with a really fucking shit name: BIM (Boogalow Music International) secure victory making them the most famous music stars on the entire planet apparently and now the officially government mandated band to support. Like, seriously, later it becomes a crime not to like them... Despite Alphie's reservations, he and Bibi end up attending the contest afterparty, on Mr. Boogalow's request, where Mr. B plants the very rapidly growing and developing seeds of romance between Bibi and BIM member Dandi (Allan Love), which doesn't sit well with Alphie, but it does result in the duo being signed. Despite Alphie's further reservations. At Mr Boogalow's offices after the token musical number gets out the way... oh god this movie is really bad... at the offices Mr. Boogalow basically strong arms the duo into signing, with Alphie being far more reluctant and sensible about things but Bibi basically jumping right in, followed by some very heavy handed, on the nose, references to Adam and Eve and the Temptation in Garden of Eden allegory... I mean, there is literally a whole musical number about tempting Bibi to bite the apple... That resulting "daydream" over, Alphie storms out of the offices refusing to sign with Bibi initially in hot pursuit, but is persuaded by Dandi and BIM members to remain behind. They make up Bibi to match their own image before shuffling her away on a massive US tour with her singing the disposable glam pop bollocks that "everyone likes" and not the country music she used to perform with Alphie. Speaking of Alphie, he isn't doing so well despite his songs being far superior to any other musical number performed in this movie so far... but before he can get too depressed about it, we are interrupted by "BIM hour" where the entire country stops what they are doing, regardless of the activity; fire fighting, performing surgery, praying to your God e.t.c to dance to BIM's latest musical drivel. I mentioned earlier that it becomes illegal not to be fan? You literally get fined and arrested by the police for not supporting BIM. Bibi, who at this point is now a global megastar, is getting mobbed by fans as she makes her way to a car before she hears Alphie from crowd calling out to her. When Alphie tries to talk to her, he just gets decked by BIM security for his trouble, with Bib basically being stuffed in the car by Dandi and hurriedly rushed away. She is visibly distraught by the experience though, and laments about it in song form shortly after... After trying, and failing to kill himself, Alphie is nursed back to health by his landlady, and so far best character in this movie; err... Landlady? (Miriam Margolyes) who also motivates him to go after Bibi because err... yeah... that went so well the first time around... Alphie heads to some weird party where there appears to be lots of cross dressing transvestites... I'm not entirely sure why?... where he tries to find Bibi to speak to her but instead gets his drink spiked by Pandi (Grace Kennedy), one of BIM, who then proceeds to dance around with his drugged up body before taking advantage of him. Sexually. Whilst singing "I'm coming just for yoooooou." Yeah, no, I'm deadly serious. As you find yourself asking: how much more of this movie is left? Alphie wakes up on a bench after believing he saw Bibi and Dandi sleeping together, literally staring into the eyes of a bearded man with long hair. If the Christian references were not on-the-nose enough for you by this point, then here is the actual fucking nose. It transpires Alphie has woken up in the park in the middle of a massive hippy commune but before he can get to know them any better, they are dispersed by the police. Bibi meanwhile, with a bit of help from Pandi who has a sudden, drastic change of heart, escapes from BIM and running into the same bearded Jesus looking guy from earlier, is re-introduced to Alphie at the hippy commune. Over the course of a very short music number they settle together as hippies and have a child together but that life is briskly interrupted by a literal army of riot police clad in BIM logo's arriving in the woods and encircling the camp. Mr Boogabollocks arrives on the scene and his entourage announce that Bibi is under arrest for owing BIM Incorporated $10,000,000 before the riot police prompty arrest everybody on the scene and march them through the woods. But as they are being marched out the woods, everybody is interrupted by a giant, massive gold Rolls Royce appearing in the sky and from it appears the heavenly figure of Mr. Topps (Joss Ackland). Clad from head to toe in a white tuxedo, he leads Alphie, Bibi and the rest of the hippies away from the police, as they are powerless to resist; unable to move, and into the sky as they follow his massive gold car out of frame. 

HAHAHAHA! WOW! Uhh... this was shit. But like, a different kind of shit. The last few weeks have not been kind to me. The Philadelphia Experiment was... ok, but Astro Loco was shit, The Beaster Bunny was shit. And now this! But incredibly, each one managed to be shit for it's own different reasons. And The Apple was mostly shit because of how contrived it was. They took the Adam & Eve banishment from the Garden of Eden; the Temptation allegory, and paraphrased it as a struggle to "make it" in the music industry by, literally, selling your soul! And the imagery that went with it was just so hilariously camp, and cheesy, even by 70's / 80's standards. I... I couldn't imagine anyone coming out of the cinema after this being able to defend this movies credibility. This movie has no fucking credibility!

BUT. But, I am prepared to acknowledge that it's not all bad. For the most part, I thought the acting was pretty decent. George Gilmour and Catherine Mary Stewart were both alright, if not maybe a bit vanilla in their roles. Similarly Vladek Sheybal as Mr. Boogalow was at least striking and distinctive enough in appearance to cast an impression, even if he did look a bit like he was cosplaying Vincent Price. And he was almost convincing enough as the movies "villain" / the Devil... By far though, the person who did not get enough screen time whatsoever in this one is Miriam Margolyes as "landlady." Didn't even give her a fucking name and she was the best person in this thing!?

And also props to the costume department, I mean; yes the costume design and the outfits in this thing were absolutely bonkers. Massively, massively exaggerated for dramatic effect but they looked good. They achieved the goal, even if that goal vicariously by adhering to the movies script was total fucking nonsense, it worked! There was some pretty crazy looking outfits in this thing and it's clear alot of effort and attention was put in in that department so a nod of acknowledgement there.

Ok fine, I've been nice. Yeah, I hated this to be honest. I hated pretty much everything about it. The whole pretentious underlying theme that selling out in the music industry is akin to the literal Christian act of mortal sin! And I'm not even a Christian! It's a very hard to swallow premise. By anyone's taste. I mean, it's never really outspokenly declared as such but the movies thematic choices make it obvious that that's the picture it's painting. And I hated it. To be honest, if they dialled it back a bit and just told the story of a folk duo torn apart by a commercial music machine without co-habiting it with the tale of Adam and Eve I think it would have instantly been a better movie. You can even keep the whole contrived worldwide organisation and dystopia bollocks, just subtract the religious stuff and I think it instantly becomes a bit more credible! But with it, it just destroyed the whole thing and it felt like some pretentious, preachy bollocks.

The songs were also very very on-the-nose. Right down to a lady singing "I'm coming for you." as she had sex. There's no subtly. It's just right fucking there. And they were all mostly dreadful. Save for some of Alphie's solo stuff, they were not so bad, but still a bit middle of the road. The performances themselves were just fine but so far as lyrical content was concerned; pretty cringey. Not really for me either. Lots of sort of quasi-disco / glam pop stuff that is 100% not my bag and even by that measuring stick just mostly embarrassing to listen to be honest. I won't be rushing to seek out the soundtrack any time soon.

Not for me this one. I think, not even a little bit really. I mean, I won't deny there were moments that I found it immersive, I was genuinely intrigued to see how they were going to wrap it up and reunite Alphie and Bibi but it was just everything else that went with it man. The songs were terrible. The thematic choices were awful and it all got a bit embarrassing to be honest. You know when you get that nagging feeling in the back of your mind like; "wow this is a really bad movie." well I got that about half hour in and it didn't really ever subside. Weak 1 out of 5.