I got my Letterbox'd Year in Review through yesterday, and because I'm not a Pro member it didn't really tell me an awful lot, but it did tell me that my most watched actor of 2021 was Conrad Brooks? I couldn't recall watching Conrad Brooks in... anything but it transpires he stared in both Glen or Glenda and Beast of Yucca Flats, both of which were pretty appalling but I checked out this guys Wikipedia page and he has been in a WHOLE PLETHORA of terrible sounding movies! Some of my favourites including; F.A.R.T the Movie, The Saturn Avenger vs The Terror Robot, Zombiegeddon (I wonder what that's about?), Terror of the Giant Tentacle, and Toilet Gator. All of which I have never watched. But there was one title that really stood out against all the others, one title I simply could not ignore; Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000. I really wanted this to be some kind of medical shock horror with some dubious futurism based sci-fi mixed in, but it transpires to be a "erotic sci-fi" about teen lads travelling back in time to stop sex being banned... but hey I'm in too deep now so there's no turning back. How bad could it be right?... Right?....
We are exactly... 4 minutes and 5 seconds into the movie before a woman starts taking her clothes off which is... a promising start... and most of that was opening credits. In the year, 2019, after Vin (Christopher Wolf), Naldo (Brian Bremer) and Reena (Sara Suzanne Brown) learn that their tutor, Professor Dorn (Ian Abercrombie) is actually a member of the "Resistance" and not an instrument for the mega-conglomerate ruling the world that has banned sex... yes really... these 'test tube teens', so called because that is how children are made nowadays, not y'know by sex, because that's banned... look there's alot to take in alright? These teens are instructed to find more information from the archives with hopes that they can, presumably, topple the "Corporation" - the name of the mega conglomerate and restore life back to normality. Letting themselves into the archives, Vin and Naldo learn that leader of the Corporation, Camella Swales once ran an all girls boarding school on the exact same spot their school is built on, and stumbling on a "Time Chamber", convince Reena to use it to send them back to the 19th October 1994, but not before Vin has a sexual fantasy about "Samantha Cummings" from Playpen magazine...fucking hell I'm watching a softcore porn. But before Reena can bring the boys back, she is ambushed by guards and uses the machine to send herself to... the 20th October 1994! Presumably these dates will be important later? Arriving in 1994, the boys immediately tell the first person they meet; Maggie (Michele Matheson) that they are time travellers from 2019 there to stop Miss Swales from banning sex, because obviously, and Maggie is only convinced when they show her a newspaper from the future, but all of that has to wait because it's night and Maggie has to sleep...? Waking up the following morning... in 18th October despite travelling to the 19th only a scene prior... great work movie, the pair are dressed up in drag by Maggie so they can move freely around the school, and after attending classes with Maggie get their first introduction to Miss Swales (Morgan Fairchild) who is unconvinced by the pairs disguise... Later that following evening, presumably sent from 2019 is... a fucking Terminator rip off; Lex 500 (Don Dowe) like, really? Really? Presumably sent to track down the boys. I mean, they even play the music, or at least an interpretation of the music... fucking hell. But that's enough of that, time for some more boobs as the boys find themselves in the showers following aerobics class, cue another fantasy... meanwhile Lex 500 visits Ms Swales looking for the boys as if the Terminator reference wasn't fucking obvious enough, he speaks with a really poor accent and genuinely, GENUINELY says "I'll be back." FUCKING FUCK ME. Deciding to enlist the help of the 1994 version of Professor Dorn (same actor), Naldo, or Ingrid as he is known in female form, pays the Professor a visit, with the Professor genuinely believing he's about to score, because obviously, but his bubble is burst when Naldo reveals he's actually a boy and that he's here to stop Ms Swales, meanwhile Arnold Schwarzeknockoff is roaming around the school looking for them, but then back in Maggie's room later that evening as Vin, or Heidi, parties with 2 of the students we learn that speaking to Professor Dorn ultimately went nowhere but the party is quickly crashed when Ms Swales hears their music and demands the girls let them in. Escaping through the window the boys avoid getting caught by Ms Swales with Vin / Heidi ending up in Samantha Cummings (Tamara Tohill) room because OF COURSE. Ah what the fuck am I watching?! Choosing instead to advance the plot of this nonsense, Naldo breaks into Ms Swales office where he discovers a set of letters from "Daryl" who had an extra-martial affair with Ms Swales before breaking it off abruptly. After some more boobs and bum, because it's been at least 20 minutes of movie since the last pair of boobs, that involves Vin and Samantha coping off, the boys reconvene and convince Professor Dorn into trying to score with Ms Swales, and for some reason he has developed a really awful Italian accent for this scene. What is with the butchering of accents in this movie?! When it isn't lameobot 500 butchering an Austrian accent, the 2 boys butchering a Swedish accent (they're supposed to be Swedish exchange students, look just go with it), the old Professor is butchering an Italian accent. Anyway aforementioned romancing goes... horrendously with Ms Swales eventually landing a sick right hand on the Professor knocking him out cold, the boys resort to plan b: ruthlessly and horrendously murdering her! But when all attempts fail the boys are on the cusp of giving up when around the corner comes the Termi-not-er immediately recognizing the boys, and going after them, which results on Naldo blowing his cover when he runs right into Ms Swales and his wig comes off. Meanwhile the bloke who brought us to this fucking shit show in the first place; Conrad Brooks finally turns up, as a Janitor mopping the hallway when arriving in 1994 is Reena who immediately gives Janitor Brooks a heart attack and he dies. SOME FUCKING CAMEO! I timed it. He's on screen for 15 seconds. FIFTEEN SECONDS. Suddenly Maggie and the boys just so happen to run into the same room Reena appears in but the reunion is short lived as Vex-500 (yeah, sorry I ran out of puns) and Ms Swales are in close pursuit. Managing to avoid being caught the boys and Reena conclude they may be trapped in 1994 but decide they have to complete the mission, but can't remain in the school. Naldo thanks Maggie for her help and the pair finally kiss after building to it the whole entire bloody movie, before leaving. Meeting the boys, now decked out in much more cooler attire (well for 1994 anyway) and not, drag, and Reena later at "The Forth Dimension" Maggie introduces them to dancing and there is a good 4 or 5 minute long dancing scene for erm... some reason... that ends with Reena and Samantha being introduced to each other and Reena realising that Vin banged her whilst he was away, but that's mercifully short lived enough as Vex-500 bursts into the club and pulls out a blaster aimed directly at a dancing Naldo, but diving across the dancefloor, Vin deflects the blast directly back at the lame Terminator knock off with a serving tray and does everybody watching this movie a huge favour. But regrettably that isn't the end of the Vex-500 as the boys retrieve the carcass and reprogram him to become the perfect lover for Ms Swale, using her love letters and some uh, impressive cut and pasting from the copy of Playpen. Sweeping into her office, he suddenly has an Elvis Presley accent now, and succeeds in winning her over, irreversibly altering the course of history forever, as the pair race off on a motorbike, because of course they do.
Heavenly fathers, that was some of the most horrendous tripe I have ever watched. What even is this movie?! It's way too goofy to get off to with a distinct lack of actual, lengthy sex scenes so it fails as a softcore porno. Plenty of boobs though I guess... And the actual movie itself is so ridiculous and lame that it dies on it's arse as a *checks notes* drama. And comedy... well, it made me snort a couple of times, but comedy... no. I'm not even sure who this was made for. Who's your target audience here?! And the worst of it is, there are some genuinely attractive ladies in this movie. And for what?! A complete waste of their talent. And their time. There was no way they were gonna earn some rep from this complete load of bollocks. Just chalk it up on the CV as an exercise in timewasting girls and move on to the next project that might actually have some potential.
Let's address the most obvious aspect of the movie first, let's get that out of the way shall we? The eroticism. I went into this with false pretences, admittedly, because if you give me the movie title: "Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000" I am going to A) have to watch that and B) believe it to be some kind of really dodgy Sci-Fi movie. What I got instead was some kind of weird erotic comedy that wasn't very erotic. The uh, sex scenes, and I count 3(ish) were not even remotely arousing. Seriously nobody licks an armpit... or have I just been doing it wrong?... and the second scene with Vin and Samantha featured so much self-lip licking and tongue twirling that it bordered on sex scene parody?! I think this was the movies marketing point, like; 'hey boys. Watch this, it's got some boobs in it'. Y'know, like 1994's American Pie, and if it was then, well, decent boobage I guess, but ultimately I feel like it was probably a disappointment.
Secondly, you can fuck all the way off with the Terminator parody stuff. I despised it, if my plot rundown hadn't made that obvious already. There was nothing funny about it. Zero laughs. It was immediately lame, and immediately bollocks. Despised it. From the faux Austrian accent, the "interpretation" of the music every time he was on screen, the general whole fucking idea, it was lousy. Dribbling, dribbling bum gravy of the worst imaginable bowel disease.
That said, there was some positives to found in amongst the curly turd of movie. There was brief spells where the acting was actually not bad. Shocking I know, but for the most part, excusing the horrendous failed seduction scene and the painfully bad Italian accent, Ian Abercrombie as Professor Dorn was generally... ok. And the 2 lads had brief moments of promise, but Michele Matheson (Maggie) must have come out of this movie with the most horrendous back pains from having to carry the whole fucking thing for 1 hour and 20 minutes. She was hands down the prettiest girl in the entire thing, which is some accomplishment when it's a essentially a movie full of softcore porn stars, and managed to keep all her clothes on for the entire duration. Hands down about the only one who was a decent enough actor to actually be in a film and why she was wasting her time with this nonsense is beyond me.
Everything else is barely worth talking about. The music was your standard softcore porno affair and did nothing to either enhance the movie or further drag it down. There was some moments of admittedly, somewhat impressive cinematography which helped me conclude that the people who made this had at least watched a movie before trying their hand at one themselves, and the costume design for the "futuristic" scenes, despite looking like something lifted out of a 1960's Sci-Fi TV series, was generally pretty decent for the 20 odd minutes worth of runtime they got out of it. The plot was... a thing that existed. Certainly enough 'stuff' happened in this movie, and certainly it all built to some semblance of a conclusion, but it was so supplementary to the boobs that they might as well have not even bothered.
Lordy lordy lord. I have covered some movies on this blog that have been offensively bad; Terror of Tiny Town, Maniac, Reefer Madness, they were insultingly bad. I have covered some movies on this blog that have been technically awful; Hercules in New York, Beast of Yucca Flats, Almighty Thor, movies that looked like a completely minimal amount of effort went into everything involved to create them. And I have covered some movies that were just downright unenjoyable; Alone in the Dark, Race 3, Sharkboy and Lavagirl and then there is Ballard of Dixie and Kenny which sits in it's own category of being the largest load of bollocks I've ever watched in my entire life. This movie... hits differently to all of those. It's terrible in a different way; terrible in the way that it objectionably fails in every way to accomplish any pre-determined goal it might have had. It's not raunchy enough, and far too goofy to be a softcore porno. It's not funny enough... or at all really... to be a comedy, and it's not entertaining enough to be drama. And sure, I've been down this avenue before with other movies, but this one has virtually no other redeeming factors to make up for that. With maybe the only exception being that Michele Matheson was at least pleasant to watch. But that's it. Literally that's everything and although it's no fault of hers, it's not really enough to award this movie a star just on that merit so uh, yeah, it's a Zero from me. My most watched Director of 2021 was Uwe Boll. No we're not going there.
