Oh boy. I don't think it can get any more worse than last months; The Beast of Yucca Flats which really stretched the definition of what is and what isn't a movie but I am at the point on my list where I have to cover Eegah, infamous for being a very early Richard Kiel movie who would go on to do much, much, much greater things. But infamous also for being a steaming, garbage fire of a film that was a fan favourite of MST3K. And if that crowd loved it then it must be really, really fucking terrible. I guess there is only one way to find out!
Roxy (Marilyn Manning) just gets done buying the worlds tiniest swimsuit, when, on her way back from the shops almost runs over a very tall man dressed as a stereotypical caveman. Pretending to be unconscious, Roxy has to endure as the caveman just sort of lingers around the car for a bit muttering something before he is scared away by Tom (Arch Hall Jr.) arriving on the scene and comforting his girlfriend. The following morning bringing her Dad, Mr. Miller (Arch Hall Snr.... ah suddenly this makes sense...) and Tom to the exact spot, they find a giant footprint that leads them off screen and Mr. Miller belts out the immortal line; "WATCH OUT FOR SNAKES!" for... some reason... as they only walk literally about 10 yards before deciding not to go any further? Determining that the caveman must be hanging out in "Shadow Mountain", Mr Miller chaperones a fucking helicopter and flies deep into the desert before continuing on foot to search, however when he stops to take a photo with his medium format camera he is attacked by the caveman. Meanwhile at the swimming pool somebody is slaughtering a cat with a rusty hedge trimmer... oh actually, it's just Tom serenading Roxy... don't quit your day job pal. Amusingly at the start of the song he has a full crowd of girls around him but by the end it's literally just him and his guitar! That horrendous musical number done with, Roxy gets a phone call that the helicopter pilot won't be able to collect her dad from "deep canyon" so commandeering Tom's dune buggy the pair race on over there whilst a musical number plays in the background that is objectively better than listening to Arch Hall Jr. croon over the top of a jangly electric guitar. Arriving at DEEP CANYON they discover that there is no Mr. Miller and proceed to wait around for FIVE HOURS. Even as dark begins to creep in still convinced that Mr. Millar will show up at any moment the pair bed down for the night and OH GOD TOM HAS HIS GUITAR OUT AGAIN. Christ this kid just cannot sing but his singing seems to have attracted the caveman who shows up just as the pair are starting to nod off but he is scared off when Tom's transistor radio fires into life, leaving his club behind. Realising they almost became caveman food the pair leave the camp but discover Mr. Millers discarded camera along the way and stopping at a ravine, they split up with Tom scaling the landscape alone, where we discover there are snakes here after all! Maybe Mr. Miller was on to something... Left behind in the dune buggy, Roxy takes a minute to fix her hair before she is suddenly kidnapped and taken away by the caveman, with Tom getting back to the buggy just in time for her to have completely disappeared... The kidnapping does lead Roxy to be reunited with her dad however, so silver linings I guess, who reveals he's actually struck up something of a friendship with the over familiar caveman... as we later learn that the caveman's name is Eegah (Richard Kiel), and after our prehistoric host introduces Roxy to his long dead ancestors the pair chow down on a charred animal leg. Delightful. The following morning Tom obviously only mildly concerned that his girlfriend vanished in the middle of the desert as he nodded off in a patch of long grass, sets about looking for her again whilst back in the cave Roxy decides that her dad needs a shave (?) and as Eegah returns, complete with flowers and a dead rabbit, he becomes interested and decides he wants in on this shaving thing with Roxy happily obliging. Maybe she just really likes shaving people? Now fully clean shaven and modelling that chiselled jawline Eegah decides he wants him a bit of Roxy, but she is having none of it. However spotting the opportunity for herself and her dad to break free she convinces Eegah to lead her outside for some hanky panky. Eegah starts getting a bit handsy with Roxy, but when he spots Mr. Miller emerging from the cave he goes nuts and beats him to the ground, swatting at Roxy and knocking her unconscious, her scream alerting Tom to her location. Eegah starts to get away with an unconscious Roxy on his shoulders as Tom finds an injured Mr. Miller and sends him back to the dune buggy. Catching up with Eegah and Roxy he tries to fight Eegah which ends badly. For him. But when Eegah turns his back, heading to grab Roxy again, Tom knocks him out cold with a rock and the two manage to escape. Fleeing back to the dune buggy they arrive just as Eegah emerges over the ravine, giving chase but they are able to speed away just in time and proceed to drive away into dead end after dead end as Eegah just flails wildly at the dune buggy... until they finally find a way out and zip away, as Roxy gazes longingly at Eegah.... ? However determined to have him some of that Roxy poon, Eegah follows, I presume, the scent of her perfume, to the swimming pool where he scares some random drunk bloke called George (Bob Davis) half to death before wandering into town for a spot of window shopping. Presumably later... either the same day or in the week, I'm... not entirely sure... Roxy, Mr. Miller and Tom leave for a party, but whilst they are away, Eegah breaks into the building through the window and makes his way to the hall and swimming pool causing hysteria amongst... some random guests that are having dinner there (?) as he does. Meanwhile, Tom is in a band apparently, well that explains the awful guitar bits, whilst Roxy laments that she is worried something awful has happened to Eegah. On the other side of town Eegah is causing trouble at some apartment block somewhere attracting the attention of the police but he manages to get away without being shot. Meanwhile back at the party everyone is having a nice little dance when one of Tom's bandmates seemingly gets a bit jealous of him and Roxy, and flings a punch at him, just as we see Eegah scaling over the fence not too far behind. The fight very quickly fizzles out when Eegah approaches and as he swats them all away to grab at Roxy, the police arrive just in time and after shooting Eegah several times he finally collapses into the swimming pool and dies as the trio watch on in agony.
Maybe it was a thing in the 60's, like maybe the whole caveman abduction fetish was like, the latest craze or something? But this movie had some real similarities with Beast of Yucca Flats that came literally just the year before... and I swear the whole caveman abducts beautiful woman thing was played out like a million times in these 60's films?! Calling this a "horror" by any definition, I think, is being incredibly generous. And if anything it was more of a comedy than a horror. Marilyn Manning shines, potentially because her and Richard Kiel seemingly were the only ones who took this movie seriously, but this was otherwise a pretty average and uninspiring experience.
The last 30 minutes of the film were a complete mess. Everything seemed to fall apart once Roxy and her dad escaped the cave and the movie just sort of meanders around making very little sense until they can get to a death scene. Compounding this, the preceding hour was, for the most part, pretty bland and average with the good bulk of the film mostly spent just padding out scenes before key developments happen in minutes. I think a good 50 - 60 minutes of this could have cut actually and the overall narrative of the movie wouldn't have suffered for it.
Arch Hall Jr. was as wooden as the day is long. And I'm trying to look at this retrospectively. The guy was your typical all American boy right the way through to his hair style and his "rock and roll" lifestyle, and I don't know if it was a limitation of the script or his character, but he absolutely couldn't act. And he couldn't sing either if the music pieces in this flick are anything to be judged by. Everything about him appearing in this movie smacks of a vanity project and his short comings were only accentuated by the complete lack of chemistry he had with Marilyn Manning.
And on that tangent Marilyn Manning seemed to have a hell of a lot more onscreen chemistry with her onscreen father! Her and Arch Hall Snr. couldn't have looked more an item if they err... acted like it. Genuinely they absolutely crossed the barrier between daughter and father and dangerously into lover territory. They should have just chopped the role of Tom altogether and just had them as a duo who attract the jealous attention of Eegah. It couldn't have gone any worse to be honest?!
And on the subject of Eegah, despite the limited source material. Despite the clear lack of direction and storyline narrative to work with, all things considered, Richard Kiel did a pretty decent job of being the movie's eponymous monster. When called upon to look nasty and threatening he was able to do just that, but when called upon to look remorseful and heartbroken, he was able to convey that pretty well as well, and all of this through facial expressions alone, he had no dialogue to work with. That and being a complete mammoth of a man, he was a good pick to play a primitive giant and was one of this movies extremely limited good points.
So yes, aside from the performances of Marilyn Manning and Richard Kiel there is very little else here to sing the praises of. Some of the cinematography was... nice... some of it was pretty horrendous. The dune buggy scenes did nothing to enhance anyone's reputation in that department... the soundtrack was kinda odd, like they were going for the swinging 60's kinda vibe bourne out of the hangover from 50's rock and roll but it felt completely ill fitting when stacked alongside the more orchestral sections that played when Eegah was rampaging or whatever. They should have picked an aesthetic and stuck to it rather than try to counter balance the 2, because it just didn't work.
However if we are going to take an apples and oranges approach to this movie. It was at least better than Beast of Yucca Flats, which as aforementioned, I think just about qualified as being an actual movie and not a glorified clip show. But that comparison is similar to saying that a fractured skull is better than a total brain haemorrhage. Both of them are a pretty harrowing experience you wouldn't want to repeat again and if I'm being honest, subjecting myself to watching this movie was a similar experience. 1 out of 5.
